Post-Break Up Facebook Etiquette for the Emotionally Impaired

facebook-break-up

We’ve all been there. Break-up tunes blasting from our Spotify (*cough*Alanis Morissette*cough*), empty boxes of tissues all around, best friends on speed dial and anti-love/relationship tumblr reblogs for miles.

You’re hurt, then you’re lonely, then…sometimes, you’re pissed. And in our wonderful world of social media there are so many passive aggressive ways to get back at our new found exes and to air out all the B.S. they put you through (because obviously you’re a saint and did absolutely nothing wrong to contribute to the split).

First—you have to be tactful about removing your relationship status from your timeline, because who really wants all those WHAT?!?!?!‘s or I’m so sorry!‘s flooding your pity party wall. Although, you’ll admit it would be nice to get a couple Finally you ditched that loser!‘s. But publicly posting your new relationship status on FB is much like dumping your beau very loudly and dramatically at a large party full of all your closest friends, family, acquaintances and everyone you’ve ever made eye contact with at a house party : It’s kind of embarrassing for all of us to watch. We’re not so much sorry for you as we are embarrassed that you shared your shitty relationship drama with us. So be smart friends! Change your ship status to private before making the good ol’ click from happier than a fuckin’ clam to lonely son of a Mumford.

The people who care about supporting you are not the people who would comment on that update. Need help? Call your best friend—they haven’t heard from you since the last time you changed your relationship status on FB. I’m sure they’d like to know that you’re still breathing.

Second—you’re allowed to post one or two sad/sentimental songs to your wall to “subtly” display your despair/anger/joy at severing all ties to the person you were closest to for a long dickin’ time. But no more than that. Okay? You can post She Fuckin’ Hates Me by Puddle Of Mudd or Grow  A Pear by Ke$ha but then you need to recall that no one on fb gives a shit that your world is falling apart. And if you’re ex hasn’t deleted you off facebook, you can be sure that they are aware of your mental state.

Or can you?

This brings me to NUMBER THREE—Do Not Post Pictures of You Together UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. You just broke up with them, now is not the time to reminisce about all the wonderful times you had together in a public forum. Because trust me, the last thing they wanna see scrolling down their feed is a picture of y’all out to dinner with their family. They’re probably sad/angry/lonely and seeing things that remind them of your relationship will only make things worse. And if you have a shred of decency or care for that person, you should probably refrain from rubbing salt in the wound.

And last, but definitely not least—Don’t post an article about break-up etiquette that is actually a thinly veiled, passive aggressive jab at your exes lack of empathy and courtesy on your blog that links to your facebook.

Or on second thought, scratch that last one.

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